


Ways To Be Needed

by BlackRose



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Intimate Partner Violence, M/M, Suicidal Ideation, domestic abuse, this is why we don't let me write while depressed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-02 19:37:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21166796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackRose/pseuds/BlackRose
Summary: A little drabble on the ways people need Evan Buckley, and what he needs.





	Ways To Be Needed

_He needs this,_ Buck thinks, standing like iron in the face of their father's wrath. His father needs him to stand there and be his outlet, to soak up the rage boiling inside him lest it spill out onto Maddie. She's older, but more fragile, and Buck is taller and stronger even at twelve. Their mother is long gone. No help is coming. Maddie needs him to be her hero. So he rides out the storm, spits out the blood, waits for their old man to pass out. Then he creeps up to Maddie's room, taps softly on the door to let her know it's safe to come out. This old dance continues, until she leaves for college, and doesn't need him anymore. His father still does, though. It's from him Buck earns the scar above his eye, which he likes to insist is a birthmark. Really, it's the result of catching shards of a lamp with his face. He's damn lucky he's not blind. 

_She needs this,_ Buck thinks, letting Abby lead him to her bedroom by the hand. What is he to her but the youth she once had, and proof that life lives on even the face of death and disability? In him, she can feel young again. Worthy. Beautiful. He loves the attention; he is an eager pup led by the leash. In some ways he needs this just as much as she does. Maybe more so, he realizes, as it becomes starkly clear that she's not coming back. She doesn't need him. Maybe she never did. 

_They need me,_ Buck realizes, hearing the screams of people clinging to overturned cars. His family---his crew---they have cast him aside as useless, a liability.They don't need him. But these people, these trapped, panicking civilians---he can help them. He can save them. They need his help. So he turns away from that precious little boy, and launches himself back into the water. 

_He needs this,_ Buck consoles himself, schooling his face into calm as Eddie howls and pummels him. The violence has been brewing inside him for fuck-knows how long, threatening to overwhelm him. He has to push that poison outward, to turn it on the closest warm body so it won't drown him. Eddie needs a punching bag,and for his sake, for Christopher's sake, Buck will be just that. He doesn't want an opponent---not tonight. Tonight Eddie needs someone floppy and compliant who will take the beating and not even whimper. Christopher. That darling boy who is Buck's in every way but blood. Buck will not allow him to see his father this way. He's too young to witness the ugly snarl a man's face becomes as he's venting all his ugly feelings into the torso of someone he loves. He needs Buck to shield him from that, and Buck will. 

_ You need this,_ whisper the carving knives, glinting in their block on the counter, _ Come along now. Go run a bath and let us open you up and bleed out the tears you've never been able to shed. You need us. You need this._ Like a man in a dream he goes and fills the tub, takes the bigger one--it's sharper than the other--and scratches out a quick note. Nothing much---just basics on what he wants done with his things, and apologies to Christopher and his sister. He's just climbed into the water and is composing himself, getting ready mentally for the pain, when a soft tap at the bathroom door startles him. 

"Buck?"

It's Christopher. Of course it is. 

"Hey buddy, I'll, uh, I'll be out in a sec, you need to pee or something?"

"N-no, I j-j-just needed you. I had a bad dream. An' then I got up in the dark and you w-weren't there--"

The laugh Buck barely stifles catches into a sob in his chest. 

"It's okay, bud. Go get back in bed and I'll come tuck you in. Just takin' a bath, that's all."

He quickly wets his hair to make the lie more convincing, then when he hears the boy clumping back down the hall to the room he sleeps in when he stays over, he gets out and dries off. The knife goes into a drawer under the sink. If anyone should ever ask, it's for unclogging the drain. Never know when you might need that.

The bedroom is dark and still as he pads over to the bed. Christopher's covered himself up, but clumsily. As always Buck is damn-near knocked sideways by the strength of his love for this kid. As promised, he tucks his favorite little curly-head in, then climbs in beside him. Christopher snuggles up to him and is fast asleep. Buck kisses his forehead before letting his own eyes close. 

_I needed this._


End file.
